The Slam Dunk Rant!!!

I'm really really wondering why the Sports Media, Basketball Fans and Tards who play basketball everywhere make such a huge deal out people getting "dunked on." A play in which the offensive player is a tall guy with great leaping ability dunking on another tall guy with leaping ability but if the defending tall guy touches the other guy or tries to use any force to stop this "embarassment" then he is called for a foul, technical foul or flagerant foul. Which takes away all the coolness of the dunk in my mind. I mean why is a play that is so easy for the offensive player to complete over a handcuffed defender so emasculating? Really people? Really?

I mean I could see the play being a lot cooler if you had to avoid getting checked or tackled. Like in football when a player goes over the middle he risks getting crushed by a linebacker. Or a wing in hockey player risking taking a massive check on the open ice going against a defense man 1 on 1. Or better yet if the defender was allowed to hit you with a Street Fighter 2 Ryu style Au Juken then dunking on people would be bad ass. But again the wussified rules of basketball do not allow the defender to do anything to stop this except put his hand up and attempt a block or sit still and try to take a stupid ass charge that the refs will call if they feel like it unless it's Kobe or Lebron, in which case the ref will forget that charging is a rule and call a block no matter what.

If ESPN continues to glorify a basic play that really doesn't mean anything. I'm hoping they at least start doing the same for other basic plays in sports and we can add the emasculating references too. Here is overeacting to simple basic plays in other sports similar to what the media does for dunking in baskteball.

Football - "Dam Reggie Wayne explodes all over the defensive back by catching that pass. That defensive backs manhood has been threatened! (terrible announcer) I've never seen anyone get catched on like that, dam!!"

Golf - "Tiger sinks a 9 foot put all over Phil Mikelsons ass! Phil just got putted up Putterized!"

Baseball - "Dam the hitter just made contact with that ball, look out pitcher you just got wooded!"(I even got the sexual innuendo in that they use with dunking on that one)

Get the point! Glorifying the dunk looks really lame to people who follow sports where force can be used or applied. Until you change the rules and make it so Lebron has to avoid Dwight Howards flying forearm to his throat when he's trying to dunk I really don't want to hear about how "awesome" dunking is.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants and Me, My Sister and My Son

Hello, my name is Kenny Cortinas and I was born April 30th 1981. Try to remember that date. My mother at the time of my birth was a single mom, Navy Veteran and Die Hard Los Angeles Dodgers fan. A funny thing happened that year her favorite team in baseball would go to the World Series and win. The Dodgers would not win another World Series until 1988 seven short years later compared to the wait the Giants would have to endure. Okay so it is now 1988 and The Dodgers are clearly not the best team in the National League. Some would say it was going to take a miracle. Well lets rewind time from October of 1988 to April 30th 1988. Remember I told you to remember that date and I am not finished yet after this one either. So my mom gave birth to my sister Laura on April 30th 1988 and she told my Dad that this meant the Dodgers were going to not only return to the World Series but win it too. We all know the outcome of the 1988 World Series.

Now when the Dodgers won their second World Series in seven years I had already claimed not to like them even though

my mom tried her best to make me a fan. I was a die hard California Angels fan future Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fan. I forget the year I became a San Francisco Giants fan but I do remember I was still a kid and Barry Bonds was not on the team yet but Will Clark was still playing first base. I was on my grandparents couch watching the Dodgers play the Giants. The game was tied and it was about to go to the 9th inning. I looked over at both my grandfather and grandmother and told them that the winner of this game would become my favorite National League team. The Dodgers had a 1-2-3 inning and now the Giants were up. Bottom of the 9th, two outs, bases loaded, game all tied up. Kevin Gross is on the mound for the Dodgers and Will Clark steps up to the plate. Ball 1, Ball 2, Strike 1, Ball 3, Strike 2...BEAN BALL!! Will Clark takes first base and the man on third comes home to score the game winning run. I looked back over to my grandparents and told them there was no way I could ever root for a team dumb enough to bean in the game winning run and from that day forward I became a Giants fan.

Fast forward again to 2002. I was in the Army stationed at Fort Hood, Texas. The two teams playing in the World Series were my Angels and my Giants. What a dilemma I was in! Who do I choose for? Barry Bonds had become my favorite baseball player but I was an Angels fan first! After the first three games of the 2002 World Series I made the decision that I wanted the Angels to win because I was an Angels fan before I was a Giants fan. The Angels won their first and as of today only World Series Championship. Now the final fast forward of this story. We are going to fast forward 54 years from the last Giants World Series Championship, 8 years since their last World Series appearance and 22 years since someone in my family was born on April 30th. Welcome to present day 2010. My son Nathaniel Edward Cortinas was born on April 30th 2010. It was a planned C-Section but my wife's Doctor would not let us move the date away from April 30th.

My mother is no longer a Los Angeles Dodgers fan but in fact a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fan thanks in part to me ditching the Dodgers as soon as I was able to form my own opinions. She will tell you that the Dodgers became stale and un-fun to watch, ad that she had more fun going to games at Angel Stadium than at Dodger Stadium. When I called and told her on that fate filled day to tell her that her fourth grandson was indeed born on April 30th, she told me that either the Dodgers, Angels or Giants would win the World Series. She then said well I was a Dodger fan when it was me so maybe since your a Giants and Angels fan it will only be one of those teams. I told her that if this April 30th thing was true that it would be the San Francisco Giants because after the 2002 World Series I proclaimed it was the Giants turn next no matter what. Well it took the Giants 5 games to dispose of the Texas Rangers to win their first World Series in over five decades. Is this all a coincidence or was it fate? I will let you all decide, me and my family are going to believe it was fate. Your Welcome San Francisco Giants!!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 Review

If you go into watching this movie expecting to be scared like the original scared you 26 years ago, you will be severely disappointed. In all honesty I think if you have ever seen and enjoyed or were terrified of the original movie then just stay away from the new one because you will not be able to help but expect what was given to you in the original films. I know this starting to sound like a burial but it is not my intention of doing so. It is just this remake was misleading. I will write the synopsis of both the new Nightmare on Elm Street and the original Nightmare on Elm Street. I will then explain why if you have ever seen the original and loved it or were scared to death from it, this is not the movie for you.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010: "Five teenage friends living on one street all dream of a sinister man with a disfigured face, a frightening voice and a gardener's glove with knives for fingers. But when one among them dies, they soon realize that what happens in their dreams happens for real and the only way to stay alive is to stay awake. Buried in their past is a debt that has just come due. To save themselves, they must plunge into the mind of the most twisted nightmare of all: Freddy Krueger. Jackie Earle Haley plays the legendary evildoer in this contemporary REIMAGINING of the seminal horror classic." There is a reason why I bolded and enlarged the word Reimagining.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984: "Years after being burned alive by a mob of angry parents, child murderer Freddy Krueger returns to haunt the dreams -- and reality -- of local teenagers in Wes Craven's spine-chilling slasher classic. As the town's teens begin dropping like flies, Nancy and her boyfriend, Glen (Johnny Depp, in his big-screen debut), devise a plan to lure the monster out of the realm of nightmares and into the real world."

Now before my comparisons lets get some definitions. Lets start with the word Re Imagining. According to Merriam-Webster.com: Definition of REIMAGINE: to imagine again or anew; especially : to form a new conception of: re-create. Now lets move onto the word Remake: A new version of something; A new, especially updated, version of a film, video game, etc; To make again; To make an enhanced remake of (a computer or video game). Finally I want to get the definition of the word seminal which was used to describe the original movie in the synopsis for the new movie. According to Merriam-Webster.com: Definition of SEMINAL: 1: of, relating to, or consisting of seed or semen 2: containing or contributing the seeds of later development : creative, original.

Okay so according to those definitions the only comparison to the original film should have been Freddy Krueger and the title A Nightmare on Elm Street, or even just the title of the film. However what we got was the same title, two of the same characters and just about every death scene being a carbon copy of the original. Oh yeah and even though it is not in the 2010's synopsis and I must warn those who have not seen the movie yet that this could be considered a spoiler, the new director has changed Freddy Krueger from a Child Murder into a Child Molester. The new mask is a thousand times less creepy than the original and the new guy's voice makes me think of Christian Bale's Batman voice. I am a huge fan of both Halloween series. To me the originals and Rob Zombie's are what an original franchise and re-make or re-imagined franchise are supposed to be. I am a wuss when it comes to scary movies and yet here I am on my second movie review of a scary movie proclaiming from my soap box that this movie did not scare me. When I was a kid I could not watch the original Nightmare on Elm Street before Noon without staying up all night. I slept like a baby after watching the new one at 8pm.

Once again people went to see a scary movie and instead of scares they got startles. The horror movie genre is dead. When we go to see a horror movie we get treated to a bunch of gore or we get a mixture of gore and suspenseful music and something pops up seemingly out of nowhere. I think most people can recover from being startled after a few minutes, however if a person truly gets scared they will fall a sleep with the television on tuned into Cartoon Network.

My Soul to Take Movie Review

This was a homework assignment so that is why some words are bold, some are underlined and others are in italics and the works lol but I thought I would share my opinion on the movie I saw this past Friday night.

I recently saw the movie My Soul to Take directed by Horror Movie icon Wes Craven. Wes Craven is mostly known for two movie franchises and those are A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream. I think a lot of people, my wife included, went into this movie expecting something along the lines of A Nightmare on Elm Street. This was not the case though. Although I like both versions of the Halloween franchises I really do not do scary movies that well, however with that being said this movie did not make me scared. This movie is about a crazy serial killer who does not even know he is the serial killer. He is known as the Riverton Ripper and he suffers from multiple personality disorder. On a stormy night he realizes who he is and tries to call his psychiatrist for help. Well that does not go over very well with the bad personality and he ends up killing his pregnant wife and almost kills his daughter. The police shoot him and everybody thinks he is dead but he is not dead yet. He gets one of the officers guns and shoots the cop and then shoots and kills his psychiatrist, another cop comes in and shoots him a few more times. Well as it turns out they were able to save the baby from the dead pregnant wife and after coming to life again in the ambulance the killer causes the ambulance to crash. That night seven children were born and his soul entered the body of one of them. The movie then jumps a head to sixteen years later which catches up with the seven kids born on that fateful night. The seven kids all know each other and even have a ritual that they do every year out in the woods by the wrecked ambulance. This is a really good movie as long as you go into not expecting Freddy Krueger. My wife went into the theater expecting to be scared silly and I for whatever reason went into the theater not expecting to get scared. I was expecting to be scared a little and to be truly honest I was a little but no where near the levels of Craven's previous work. This movie was also filmed in True D 3D and I am rarely a fan of a movie being in 3D but the 3D effects in My Soul to Take were done amazingly. I think this movie is definitely worth the price of going to see in movie theaters.

Horror movies today are no longer on the same level as horror movies of the past. A Nightmare on Elm Street for example is a lot scarier than My Soul to Take. In all honesty the scariest movie of all time is A Nightmare on Elm Street. No other horror movie character has had a bigger impact on me than Freddy Krueger. To this day I will not watch the original Nightmare on Elm Street at night. Freddy is a character who only exists in dreams which is why I think this movie has had such a larger impact on me than the other horror movie characters like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees. The Riverton Ripper had a lot of potential but when compared to the horror characters of the past he comes out as one of the lamest characters. My favorite horror movie of all time is Halloween though, and although Freddy Krueger has me too scared to watch at night, I still think Michael Myers is the baddest one of them all. I think Wes Craven was trying to make the Riverton Ripper kind of like Michael Myers but he fell short.

WEEK 5 NFL PICKS

Jacksonville Jaguars at Buffalo Bills: WINNER: JAGUARS

New York Giants @ Houston Texans: WINNER: GIANTS

Kansas City Chiefs @ Indianapolis Colts: WINNER: COLTS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Cincinnati Bengals: WINNER: BENGALS WHO DEY!!

Green Bay Packers @ Washington Redskins: WINNER: REDSKINS

Saint Louis Rams @ Detroit Lions: WINNER: RAMS

Chicago Bears @ Carolina Panthers: WINNER: PANTHERS

Atlanta Falcons @ Cleveland Browns: WINNER: FALCONS

Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens: WINNER: RAVENS

New Orleans Saints @ Arizona Cardinals: WINNER: SAINTS

Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys: WINNER: COWBOYS

San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders: WINNER: CHARGERS

Philadelphia Eagles @ San Francisco 49ers: WINNER: EAGLES

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Jets: WINNER: VIKINGS

WWE HELL IN A CELL PAY-PER-VIEW RESULTS

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Sheamus (Hell in a Cell Match)

My prediction: Sheamus
Result: Randy Orton
Even though I wanted Sheamus to win I am glad Orton pulled out the win. I am tired of title changes every pay per view. I think this is the beginning of a good feud. Sheamus will be champion again soon and I only hope he gets a real title run.
Prediction Record: 0/6

World Heavyweight Champion Kane vs. The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell Match)
My Prediction: Kane
Result: Kane
I knew this storyline wasn't over yet and I am kicking myself for not at least mentioning that Paul Bearer has betrayed Undertaker a few times in the past and could do it again. Kane deserves this long title run and of course the Undertaker retirement rumors have resurfaced.
Prediction Record: 1/6

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
My Prediction: Wade Barrett
Result: Wade Barrett
John Cena is the newest member to the Nexus. Remember now if your not Nexus your against us. Like I said in my predictions this is not a full heel turn but a test of the waters. If Cena acts heel like by force how will his sales do? Will they be hurt by the heel turn? Will they stay the same? or Will the Cena haters now like him and buy his stuff? If those questions are answered positively for the WWE then in a year maybe sooner we get a true full John Cena heel turn.
Prediction Record: 2/6

U.S. Championship Triple Threat Submissions Count Anywhere Match U.S. Champion Daniel Bryan vs John Morrison vs The Miz
My Prediction: Daniel Bryan
Result: Daniel Bryan
It was a submission match and only one person in the match was billed as a submission expert, Daniel Bryan. I do not think either The Miz or his former tag partner John Morrison have ever made anybody tap out before. This was by far the easiest match to predict.
Prediction Record: 3/6

Unified Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Natalya
My Prediction: Natalya via DQ
Result: Natalya via DQ
I told you this was going to happen. I do not know if they are going to go anywhere with this or not, the Divas rarely ever get to have decently developed storylines or feuds. I think Natalya deserves a long run as the Divas champion and had I been in charge of the Pay Per View last night this would have been the first Diva's Hell in a Cell Match and I would have had Natalya win.
Prediction Record: 4/6

There were only five matches when I made the predictions but I did say they would most likely add a match because five matches for the price of a pay per view is just not your money's worth. However I guessed it would be a tag title match but instead it was Edge defeating Jack Swagger so that is why my prediction record is at a final 4/6 if you discount the added match it is a 4/5 with me only missing Sheamus regaining the title but if you read my prediction I was torn on that match and basically chose Sheamus because I am a fan of his. Overall this is probably the best Pay Per View Prediction I have ever done. The next Pay Per View I will try to get my predictions posted sooner so that way our readers can reply with predictions of their own. Until Next Time.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Greg Ostertag

At 7 Foot 2 and an often disputed 280 pounds from Dallas, Texas our first induction to the Stiff White Guy Hall of Fame is most NBA Fans consensus pick for one of the Stiffest, Clumsiest White Guys of all time, Greg Ostertag! There couldn't be a better first induction than Mr. Ostertag, in fact he may have been born for this role. This induction is akin to Andre the Giant being the first induction in the WWF Hall of Fame(side tangent - suck it World Wildlife Fund! I dare you to sue me and I won't pay you like Al Davis!)

Ostertag as mentioned above, personified the underachieving stiff white guy in the NBA throughout the mid 90's, hell he even managed to create a new breed of Stiff White Guy single handedly. The overweight, super underachieving, lazy Stiff White Guy. Many people felt if Ostertag played his cards right could have been the homeless man's Shaq.... and those people were stupid.

Greg Ostertags career began disappointing before he even got to the NBA. In 1995 Ostertag led a loaded Kansas Jayhawks Team to the NCAA Tourney as a No. 1 seed. This Kansas Team Featured future marginal NBA Talent such as Jacque Vaughn, Jared Haase, Scott Pollard and Raef Lafrentz(both Stiff White Guys I might add). Fate would not have a team with three Stiff White Guys be successful as Kansas was upset by Virginia in the Sweet 16. With great sadness Ostertag's College Career was over but his NBA Career as a Stiff White Guy Legend was just beginning!

Ostertag was then drafted with the 28th picked by the Utah Jazz in the 1995 NBA Draft. I'm pretty sure this was due to the Jazz needing to fill there White Guy Quota and Ostertag made the most of it. Ostertag immedietly started living up to the non hype that he had coming out of the draft. The Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan is the basketball equivelent of a great NFL Coach a la Bill Bellichek, Bill Cower, Art Shell etc. Where he has the ability to make any professional basketball player look like a solid NBA Player. Sloan worked his magic and stuck Ostertag's huge frame into the starting lineup with Future Hall of Famers John Stockton and Karl Malone. With Sloan, Malone and Stockton Ostertag quickly established himself as a Stiff White Force of Nature taking up space in the paint like nobody's business, blocking shots, eating up rebounds and easy baskets in the paint. Most importantly he was lethal at getting dunked on and hard fouling(A Utah Jazz Staple).

From 1995 to 2006 Ostertag threw down impressive Stiff White Guy career averages of 4.6 points per game, 5.5 rebounds per game, 1.7 blocks per game while managing a career field goal percentage of .486%. Did you know that Greg Ostertag has the 40th most blocked shots in NBA History? Ahead of Superstars such as Chris Webber and Shawn Kemp! If you thought Ostertag could do anything better than guys like Kemp and Webber you probably would have responded riding a tractor and not total career blocked shots.

In addition to awesome stats, Ostertag provided much unintentional comedy during his career. In 1997 Shaq slapped Ostertag in warmups for "Trash Talking." (I'm sure it had something to do with Greg claiming he could outeat Shaq at Sizzler or outlazy Shaq in the offseason.) Ostertag also disappointed Utah Jazz fans with a vengeance! Karl Malone and Larry Miller(The Late Jazz Owner) were often at loss for words, life, etc. due to Ostertag. In 2004 Ostertag managed to disappoint me personally when he signed with my beloved Sacramento Kings. Where he proceeded to be hurt and sit on the bench. In 2005 The Kings desperate to unload Ostertag somehow managed to trick the Jazz into taking the big guy back. Many NBA Fans have wondered if this was due to Jerry Sloan missing Ostertag the way most of us miss a bad pet or friend once they are out of our lives as conventional logic provided no answers to this mystery.

In 2006 Greg Ostertag retired from the NBA. In his retirement Ostertag lives in Phoenix, Arizona. In his spare time he plays hockey and makes massive wedding cakes like Buddy in Cake Boss. Someone should give him a crappy cable show like NOW! So Stiff White Guy thanks you Mr. Ostertag for providing so much unintentional comedy and uninspired play over the years. And just think Greg Ostertag sadly is better than 99% of the people who play basketball in this world.