At 7 Foot 2 and an often disputed 280 pounds from Dallas, Texas our first induction to the Stiff White Guy Hall of Fame is most NBA Fans consensus pick for one of the Stiffest, Clumsiest White Guys of all time, Greg Ostertag! There couldn't be a better first induction than Mr. Ostertag, in fact he may have been born for this role. This induction is akin to Andre the Giant being the first induction in the WWF Hall of Fame(side tangent - suck it World Wildlife Fund! I dare you to sue me and I won't pay you like Al Davis!)
Ostertag as mentioned above, personified the underachieving stiff white guy in the NBA throughout the mid 90's, hell he even managed to create a new breed of Stiff White Guy single handedly. The overweight, super underachieving, lazy Stiff White Guy. Many people felt if Ostertag played his cards right could have been the homeless man's Shaq.... and those people were stupid.
Greg Ostertags career began disappointing before he even got to the NBA. In 1995 Ostertag led a loaded Kansas Jayhawks Team to the NCAA Tourney as a No. 1 seed. This Kansas Team Featured future marginal NBA Talent such as Jacque Vaughn, Jared Haase, Scott Pollard and Raef Lafrentz(both Stiff White Guys I might add). Fate would not have a team with three Stiff White Guys be successful as Kansas was upset by Virginia in the Sweet 16. With great sadness Ostertag's College Career was over but his NBA Career as a Stiff White Guy Legend was just beginning!
Ostertag was then drafted with the 28th picked by the Utah Jazz in the 1995 NBA Draft. I'm pretty sure this was due to the Jazz needing to fill there White Guy Quota and Ostertag made the most of it. Ostertag immedietly started living up to the non hype that he had coming out of the draft. The Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan is the basketball equivelent of a great NFL Coach a la Bill Bellichek, Bill Cower, Art Shell etc. Where he has the ability to make any professional basketball player look like a solid NBA Player. Sloan worked his magic and stuck Ostertag's huge frame into the starting lineup with Future Hall of Famers John Stockton and Karl Malone. With Sloan, Malone and Stockton Ostertag quickly established himself as a Stiff White Force of Nature taking up space in the paint like nobody's business, blocking shots, eating up rebounds and easy baskets in the paint. Most importantly he was lethal at getting dunked on and hard fouling(A Utah Jazz Staple).
From 1995 to 2006 Ostertag threw down impressive Stiff White Guy career averages of 4.6 points per game, 5.5 rebounds per game, 1.7 blocks per game while managing a career field goal percentage of .486%. Did you know that Greg Ostertag has the 40th most blocked shots in NBA History? Ahead of Superstars such as Chris Webber and Shawn Kemp! If you thought Ostertag could do anything better than guys like Kemp and Webber you probably would have responded riding a tractor and not total career blocked shots.
In addition to awesome stats, Ostertag provided much unintentional comedy during his career. In 1997 Shaq slapped Ostertag in warmups for "Trash Talking." (I'm sure it had something to do with Greg claiming he could outeat Shaq at Sizzler or outlazy Shaq in the offseason.) Ostertag also disappointed Utah Jazz fans with a vengeance! Karl Malone and Larry Miller(The Late Jazz Owner) were often at loss for words, life, etc. due to Ostertag. In 2004 Ostertag managed to disappoint me personally when he signed with my beloved Sacramento Kings. Where he proceeded to be hurt and sit on the bench. In 2005 The Kings desperate to unload Ostertag somehow managed to trick the Jazz into taking the big guy back. Many NBA Fans have wondered if this was due to Jerry Sloan missing Ostertag the way most of us miss a bad pet or friend once they are out of our lives as conventional logic provided no answers to this mystery.
In 2006 Greg Ostertag retired from the NBA. In his retirement Ostertag lives in Phoenix, Arizona. In his spare time he plays hockey and makes massive wedding cakes like Buddy in Cake Boss. Someone should give him a crappy cable show like NOW! So Stiff White Guy thanks you Mr. Ostertag for providing so much unintentional comedy and uninspired play over the years. And just think Greg Ostertag sadly is better than 99% of the people who play basketball in this world.
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